Week 8. 1lb dumbells ? Sure!

8 weeks ago today my life changed forever. I woke up in a new shell of a body feeling cold, broken, and scared . I went through the toughest most painful surgery in the books to rehab from.. and today I picked up my first set of weights ( I fell out laughing when my PT brought them out and i said do you know who I am and who I used to be??😂😂😂.)So for all my past clients ... Enjoy the laugh. This is the and only time you will ever see me with 1 lb dumbells almost crying . 

The pain and struggle throughout the last 8 weeks have been raw . Petrifying, surprising, and painful... But something in me has changed. More than my lungs , heart, or bones. My spirit has changed. Someone told me to use my suffering to get closer to God. To offer it up for people. To let it sharpen me not cut me. I can truly say while I may be very weak.. I am stronger than I have ever been. My heart loves each and every one of you who have been by my side emotionally and physically , and even by Sophias side . There are too many to name names. But you all know who you are. I have a love for you all that I will never be able to express . Without you all I wouldn't have made it. I love you all so much . Cheers to my new shell for the next couple years. I will learn to love you Barb and Bob.

Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.

Mother Teresa (: #nuss #barbandbob #PT #painmakesyoustronger #countyourblessings #letlittlethingsgo #betougherthanyourday #teammethodist #lovemyCVICUteam #bionicwoman #breakingdownthebars #Jesuskiss

Week 7

Have you ever wondered how mentally strong you really are? Have you ever wondered how soldiers endured amputations alive.. How POW's survived torture.. How Mothers and Fathers are able to keep getting out of bed after losing a child? 

There is a place in our minds that is SO powerful... So powerful. I do not think we know this place until we have no choice but to go there. I get it now. I go there now . My pain is great. I am greater . Now I know how people make it, no matter how excruciating the physical and or mental pain. I can't describe it.. I just know it's a place. It's a decision. It's clamping down on your jaw and just doing it even if it feels like it's killing you. The last two weeks have been a massive struggle.. But I got one darn good day.. And because of that I am blessed. I got a snow day ( I thought the last 7 weeks were snow days) I was able to spend a few glorious days functioning with my other half and friends .. I got to see the kids faces enjoy the snow . I had The most precious Valentine's Day yet. For all this I am so grateful. 

Next week marks 2 months post op. I will have about 5 check ups next week instead of my weekly 2. I am anxious but excited to get to 2 months. I did it.. So far . 

Vini .. Vidi..

My times are in your hands..

Sitting here reading and making notes.. It's incredible how you open a page and what you need to hear is right in front of you. God is so faithful. #week6 #bionicwoman #countingmyblessings #bepatient #histimenotours #letcircumstancessharpennotcut #whatdoesntkillusmakesusstronger

Breaking down the bars. Day 41

Day 41. I cannot believe I'm almost to week 7. Part of me feels like I've been laying in this bed for a year.. the other part of me feels like it was just yesterday that I was doing box jumps and wrestling with my little one. 

To catch up. Week 3 and 4 are a blur. After much hesitation and discussion with my doctors and those I love, I trashed my pain meds. Cold Turkey, done. Let me say this - I don't understand how anyone could ever like being on pain meds. I was In a fog. A cold fog. My days slipped by quietly and the the pain would rage even while taking the meds. What was the point in staying on them? My pain receptors refused to register the meds. I in turn refused to give in. Thankfully, I didn't not have any withdrawals . I'm shocked by that. From pain pumps, epidurals, and oral medications, I would think I would at least have the shakes. praise God . 

The last week was the hardest I've been through since being home. A week ago I finally felt like I was getting over the hill of pain and helplessness. I had a beautiful peaceful weekend with those I love.  I was starting to brush my own hair, teeth, and with a little help was able to dress myself. I was able to put my arm around those I love. Monday was sweet.. Pure sweetness. I enjoyed every second. 

Tuesday morning broke... and with it came pain with a vengeance. I felt like there were monster hands inside my chest and rib cage, trying to rip through me to get out . My body was screaming. My head was screaming. I found myself once again in radiology. 

My serratus which is basically next to my long thoracic nerve was torn . Next to it between the bolts that are anchored in to my bones was a rib fracture. I was told my ribs my fracture under pressure and movement.. but never did I guess what that pain would be like. 

I felt defeated. I was back to square one. Immobile . Worse than before. I felt cold . Depression and anger started knocking at the door. I thought about answering the door..then Angels starter showing up non stop. Non stop I tell you. I was comforted and wrapped up by my incredible loved ones, some who I haven't even been able to see in almost a year. How good is God? He truly takes care of us if we let him. Saturday another rib fractured. This time i about gave in to my demons. I cannot comprehend or explain the pain of trying to breathe while your rib is cracking. How long was it going to last? How long would it take? I had a house full of sweet friends during this time.. I praise God for that . I would not have got through the pain without their support. 

I now have a nerve block that I am waiting on patiently to set in. I've been getting in home PT from the best PT around, and this week will start PT IN clinic. I'm anxious and ready . I know it will be painful.. But it's another step towards getting stronger. 

This week I am focusing on my blessings.  I have so many. This week I am going to take a few baby steps.. We will see what happens. I have to learn to live in this new shell of a body that I now will have for 2-4 years. Time to get this shell shined up no matter what. NO excuses!

A dear friend told me this week" you need to look BACK. Look how far you have come" She's right. Sometimes it IS good to look back .

Vini Vidi..can't say Vici yet. But looking at this picture reminds me I've come a little ways.. 

My story

       

 

Breaking down the bars. My story of survival, defeat, and rising again.


I began this blog for myself, so that I would be able to look back on my journey of being a Nuss patient. When I was told by many how my story inspired and moved them, I decided that maybe part of my suffering could be of use to others. If I can change just one life, I am happy. If I can change one persons outlook on life, I can smile.

This Is my story. Welcome to it.

K

December 31st, 2014. It's 3:30 AM. My eyes open and my heart starts racing . This is it. The day has come. 

I stand under the shower head letting hot water pour over my face to hide my tears for several minutes . I wash with the special soap I was given for pre op. It smells like surgery . I know this smell well. I look down at my chest. It's the last time I will ever see if like this . How is this day already here? 

I dress . I pray. Can't brush my teeth. I sit . I wake up my dear friend Taylor . She slid in to my bed at 10:45 the night before because she didn't want me to sleep alone. How big of a heart does she have ? She hugs me. We pack my bag and im ready. My best friend of God knows how long shows up at 4:45 looking like Miss America with a huge smile on her face . I instantly feel better . She says " we are off to cabo!!!" 

As we got closer to the hospital my hands got clammy. When I stepped out of the car I breathed in the icy air knowing it would be the last time I would breathe it for a long time . 

I walked through the front doors and headed to admissions. As the administrator put on my hospital bands she said " praise him.. All the time praise him" .

The rest is a blur. Next thing I know Dee's mother is by my side, Marianne, Taylor, and one of my dearest friends Tim. They pray with me, and the next thing I know I'm in the OR with a room full. Im used to the OR but it's very different when you're the one on the table. From there , it does black. 

Breaking down the bars.

                           Breaking down the Bars. My story of survival, defeat, and rising again.



Week 1 and 2.

My new titanium bars are in. My body is not rejecting the foreign objects, and since I'm not passing out from pain we are going to take that as " managing the pain". Great news, considering the last 2 weeks. I wanted to find a way to keep track of my progress , my set backs , and updates because this has and will be a interesting journey. I'm going to blog my journey, in the hopes that it keeps me motivated, but also can motivate others. We can always use painful and awful experiences for the greater good . 6 months from ...now I plan to be able to be solid, strong, and in great shape . I left the hospital at 94 lbs. I weighed in at 96 lbs today. Boy do I have a long way to go. 

The pain has been almost unfathomable.. But I am stronger than the pain. Mind over matter .. Every second of every day. Pain pump gone. Epidural pump gone . Morpheme, dilaudid, Hard core oral pain medications don't touch the pain. Sometimes pain is so bad you almost turn numb. I will take that. 

The 1st picture is the front of my chest. Two bars will stay in my chest up to 4 years to keep my chest wall from caving in on my heart and lungs again. The bars are like braces, nine braces . Eeek.  The bars are the most painful part about all of this. They are constantly bending my bones to correct them. It's 24/7 pain. It's frustrating, it's exhausting, but hopefully they are doing their job.  Picture #2 bolts and screws that were drilled in to my  rib cage to keep the bars in place. For any of yall who were in the hospital with me and or home the last week, now you know why all the screaming! Lol.
I have a long road ahead, but I am keeping my chin up. It's very hard to lay in bed day after day when I'm such a active person. Don't ever take your strength for granted! EVER. Every time you brush your teeth be grateful you can do it. Be grateful you can brush your hair . Be grateful you can pull up your pants ( that will be the day ) be grateful that you can bring a glass of water to your lips. I fed myself for the first time yesterday... I can't tell you what a big step that was for me. More than ANYTHING.. Once again.. Hug your babies. The day that I can wrap my arms Sophia.