As I went to sleep last night , I wrapped my arms around my little girl , as I did one year ago on December 30th. I had so many emotions laying there with her last night.
This morning as opened my eyes, they filled with tears. Soon my chest was heaving from a full blown melt down. My husband walked over to me and just held me. His arms said " you're half way. You survived . I know you're tired but you did it".
I thought about how my LAST memory of 2014 is of me staring at a room full of nurses, reps, and my team. I remember one of my surgeons saying " are you ready? I said " hit me". Lights dimmed and I slipped in to nothingness.
My FIRST memory of 2015 is thinking I was in hell. That someone had put me in someone else's body. That someone had sawed my bones and glued them back together . I remember someone screaming so loud , sounding like they were being tortured. Will someone just knock them out already? I felt fire go in to my veins, and everything went black. The screaming stopped . Thank God .
I've thought and thought about what it would feel like to wake up today. What emotions would I have?
The first emotion that comes to me is that of complete emotional exhaustion. The second is a feeling of awe. The third is total anxiety. I'm only down one year ? I feel like this day a year ago happened 5 years ago... I can't even seem to remember not being in pain or being normal.
I'm in awe because I did not think I would get here . After I remember days in the hospital that I was hoping I would just die . Anything would be better than the pain that was wreaking havoc on my body. Two days after my operation I took a turn for the worse . My support system was told if I did not start fighting back, I would be put on a ventilator and potentially har the hardware taken out then put back in once I was strong enough. About 5 priest came throughout the next few hours, gave me last rights and my cvicu unit was closed down to anyone but my team and a few family members .
It's amazing how your mind can control your body. The next day I took another turn and started breathing on my own enough to where I did not need to be put on a ventilator. I will never know what my thoughts were.. but amidst so many people praying and the human will, I talked my body in to fighting . The two weeks in CVICU were just the start and a year of fights with myself .
I have learned this. When your body or mind tells you that it cannot go any longer, there is a monster force inside of us all that we don't even know is there until we are truly at the end . It's vicious, powerful, and resilient all at the same time. It's more powerful than your body and your emotions. After reading "Unbroken" and many other books about suffering , my thoughts on this monster force are validated.
I've been asked many times in the last few weeks to update on how life is NOW.
Life is 100% different now. There and beautiful new parts to my life as well as the ugly battle that I still fight through.
I think I thought a year later life would be a lot easier on my body, but that was a silly idea. Ironically, the left side of my chest started its shift last week and finally popped through late Saturday night. Now begins the left side shift of bones . The right side took a year . Knowing all of that gets me very emotional , and instantly exhausted . But at least now I know I will and can do it. I know that I can have my pity parties and don't have to put on a brave face 100% of the time . I know that I can get angry . I know that it's ok to be weak. I know it's ok to feel depressed sometimes , but that no matter what I'm doing this. I have made it this far. I'm still alive .
I have gained back my 30 lbs lost. While the muscle to fat ratio is MUCH different this time at least I no longer look like skeletor. My hair is growing back in. I still sleep sitting up, but at least now I sleep most of the time. I still have days on bed rest, but then I bounce back and get to do stuff like go to the zoo, and walk for longer than 10 minutes . I can workout . Kind of . I can lift pots in the kitchen now when I cook. I can get out of my clothing without getting stuck because I can't lift my arms . I danced at raidords for my birthday( even though I had bed rest for three days after !!) . I have a little bit of normal back. I'm that's enough for me.
What made this years battle worth it all? I got to walk down the isle to my love in July. I remember as I walked through the church my dress was killing my sides , and I could feel a anchor popping out of my dress on the side . I got angry for a second that my pain was rising from being up doing things all day. But then I saw my to be husband and family at the end of the isle, and everything went away. I look at my husband , my little girl and step son and step daughter and I cannot believe they are mine . I cannot believe how many blessings came from this year . Hell and Heaven collided . 
I will never be able to put in to words how grateful I am for my support system. I truly would not be here if it wasn't for the people in my life to love and care for me. From my incredible surgeons and their teams to my loved ones . My family, wow my family. My Framily. My friends . I am honored to be loved and cared for by you. From the countless hours of staying up with me while i cried , to spoon feeding me, to just laying holding my hand . For taking care of Sophia, loving her and supporting her . For taking me out for a ride just so I could have a change of scenery. For kidnapping me against better judgment and taking me to eat a burger at houstons . Tip- if you get brought out to eat looking like your dying and hooked to a pain pump, people will try to buy you everything and anything 😂.
For Bathing me, brushing my hair, staying in with me on a Saturday night, praying with me, cleaning for me, cooking for me, for seriously running my life for me for several months . My PT who came to me daily at home, sometimes close to midnight just so I could have a hour of relief. To my ass wipe club. You guys are solid . You can now handle anything 😂.
Life hits hard as hell. But you can hit harder . Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget the power of prayer . It moves mountains . The saddest thing in the world to me is someone who doesn't believe in the power of prayer .
Thank you from the bottom of my heart once again to each and every one of you who have been there for me. I love you all so very much. You helped save a life this year .
I have no idea how it's been a year . Cheers to another year of fighting. Cheers to having the chance to fight!
#breakingdownthebars
#bobandbarb
#down12months
#Godisgood
December 30th, 2015. Remembering the months I was unable to do this . 
