“Look at me…you better come out of that room alive. Do you hear me? You better fight with all you have. I need you. I need you here. You better come out of there Kayla”.
That was the last thing my husband Dee said to me one month ago today. One month ago i lay on a operating table for the third time in the last 18 months , and started counting backwards as the anesthesia crept in to my lungs. As my eyes closed I prayed . If God was taking me this time I felt at peace . Everything was in order in my life and in my heart. I couldn't stop what was going to happen if I tried. As I counted those few seconds I felt every single bit of my body tense. was this it? Was this the last five seconds of my life? Man. That will do something to you. Especially if you wake up(:
As I lay here in bed I look down at my scars I am in awe that its been 30 days. 30 days of living but feeling like Im dying. 30 days that a new life was given to me. My scar is a long story...I trace it with my fingers and cannot believe that it's over . I press my fingers to my chest lightly . I can feel cartilage and bone growing . Holy cow. I've never felt this in the center of my chest. I can feel it even easier now considering my chest has been cleaned out and gutted . Hmm, yes I am not ready to talk about that just yet.
I can feel the bars as I breathe... But this time they are not torturing me. They are small, softer , and meant for my body. The ravich procedure is invasive and dangerous, but as I look at my scars, my 4 holes in my stomach that have drains coming out of them and my hole in my side from my chest tube , I am in awe of my body and what it has lasted through. I feel like my body is separate from me. It has its own mind and strength .
I cannot believe how quickly a month can go by. No wonder life goes by with the snap of a finger. No wonder we cant understand how our kids are growing up right in front of our eyes. Life truly just slips by, unnoticed until you go to sleep for a month like I just did and have done three times now and BOOM. You have missed days, days you will never get back. Everything seems different. My kids seem taller. Yes they definitely grew. My husband got a hair cut and this time I noticed. He is looking fine! Prince died. What? RIP prince, you were an amazing artist. My Rose bush bloomed. I thought I had killed it. My German Shephard puppy is massive and looks like he could eat you, and my Mr. Louie is plump now from Nonna spoiling him. Ah Mr. Louie. You know I bought Louie during my first surgery recovery. I was pumped full of morphine and I decided to buy a $2,000 puppy and have him flown to Memphis. Im still not sure who in their right mind handed over my visa, but I am glad they did. Louie does not leave my side. He never has. I don’t think he ever will.
Just like that, Summer is here. My kids have a few days left then its on to a magical summer of running through the neighborhood with no schedules, eating popsicles for breakfast, and not caring if my kids bathe before bed if they swam that day. I start thinking of all the fun we will have, all the adventure. Then I break down in tears.
I’ve been in a bed for 30 days, and I still have so far to go. What’s a Mother supposed to do when her two options are either stay this way comfortably, or get ahead even though its going to hurt like hell? My only real option seems to get ahead and let it hurt like hell. I was thinking of that Nyquil commercial that plays. It says “ Moms don’t get sick days”. Isn’t that the truth? So, you put your big girl panties on and you deal with it.
That’s when you really have to start going to those places in your head that are sacred. The places no one has ever been to. The place that makes people able to with stand certain trails. I think again about “Unbroken” and how he lived in a 5 ft by 3 ft cell for so long. How he was only fed a few grains of rice a day. He had two options, but in his mind only one made sense. So he went to that place in his head. The place where you don’t feel. The place where you can get yourself to believe anything you want to believe. It’s a magical place, and if you are there with good intentions, it can save your life.
The day after my dear Mother and siblings left after being here 5 weeks , I was distraught. They had fed me, bathed me, and catered to my every need. They had taken care of my family. They had kept me medicated all day and through the night without me having to think about it. I could just lay in my bed and feel broken. When they left I went to the special place in my head. I had to go there…I had to get ready for a new battle. Me against my body.
My husband and kids are the people who make me want to get up every day. They are worth getting out of bed in the morning no matter how much my body is throbbing. Oh to see the looks on my kids faces when I get up for them. It makes the pain seem not so bad. As a Mother, so much of the time I feel unnoticed. I sit and think sometimes that the family wouldn’t even notice if I was there. But after a experience like this, I see my value. I see where I am needed desperately…and it feels so good. I know so many Mother’s feel that way. Please remember…YOU ARE SO NEEDED, WANTED, AND CHERISHED. I know the daily ground hog day grind can make you crazy…but cherish it. You are so important. No one can do it like you.
Im being asked how I am doing/feeling every day all day. I am so blessed to have so many people love and care about me. To answer the question, I feel like crying 80% of the time. I am exhausted by fighting my body. But that 20% of relief I find keeps me going. Ive learned suffering can be a beautiful thing. I can’t count how many times people have told me” you don’t deserve to go through all this suffering. You are too good of a person”. I understand where some people are coming from, but let me tell you something about suffering. Suffering is a gift. Because of suffering I am now able to see others suffering. I understand it and see it in a way I never thought was possible. It has shown me what true faith is. It has shown me that while God may put you on a path that has suffering, he will also give you all you need to walk that path.
No this trial was not in my plans. Having my bones broken, pulled and tortured was not in my plans. Lying in bed week after week was never in my thoughts. Going through two previous surgeries and them failing was the last thing I thought would happen. I never thought I would be 100 lbs and hesitant to even undress in front of my husband out of pure embarrassment of how my chest looks now. I used to make a living from having " the perfect body ". Now I can barely recognize myself in the mirror . Definitely humbles you. Speaking of that, I’ve got a blog entry coming your way on how we see ourselves. It’s a gem ha! Anyway…Yeah none of this was in my plan. But you see, once again that is why suffering is a gift. Suffering makes you realize you must not only rely on God completely, but that his plan is going to unfold whether you like it or not. And so you have to be prepared. You have to rely 100% on him. You have to ask him to ready you for what he has in store for you. God is not punishing me…he has given me a gift. He truly has. My life is going to be rich because of my suffering. The path I will walk is going to be so different because of my suffering. Suffering ends. It does. It doesn’t last forever. At some point it ends. I’ve learned suffering can be a beautiful thing.
No it is not easy. Yes I have had my days. I have yelled (Hissed I would say considering I can’t yell right now) every curse word there is. I have thrown medications against the wall out of pure frustration because well, if I’m taking Oxycontin I want it to damn work. I have been mean to my husband because he can’t feel my pain or read my mind or because he doesn’t think like a woman. I’ve woken up night after night wet with cold sweats and literally just sobbed every time I wake up like that because I’m cold, tired, and who wants to wake up their husband to change your clothes in the middle of the night, especially when you are embarrassed of how you look at the moment? Yes, the emotional wounds are sometimes even more difficult to get over. But we get over them. I AM going to get over them. I will be whole again. Join me in my journey if you care to(:
If you can get anything out of this blog entry I want it to be this. Suffering is a gift. Trials are gifts. You are stronger from suffering. Suffering ends. Learn from it. Embrace it. Be a gift to someone else who is suffering. Allow suffering to teach you. Do not waste suffering…it would be a pity to do so.
