Day 41. I cannot believe I'm almost to week 7. Part of me feels like I've been laying in this bed for a year.. the other part of me feels like it was just yesterday that I was doing box jumps and wrestling with my little one.
To catch up. Week 3 and 4 are a blur. After much hesitation and discussion with my doctors and those I love, I trashed my pain meds. Cold Turkey, done. Let me say this - I don't understand how anyone could ever like being on pain meds. I was In a fog. A cold fog. My days slipped by quietly and the the pain would rage even while taking the meds. What was the point in staying on them? My pain receptors refused to register the meds. I in turn refused to give in. Thankfully, I didn't not have any withdrawals . I'm shocked by that. From pain pumps, epidurals, and oral medications, I would think I would at least have the shakes. praise God .
The last week was the hardest I've been through since being home. A week ago I finally felt like I was getting over the hill of pain and helplessness. I had a beautiful peaceful weekend with those I love. I was starting to brush my own hair, teeth, and with a little help was able to dress myself. I was able to put my arm around those I love. Monday was sweet.. Pure sweetness. I enjoyed every second.
Tuesday morning broke... and with it came pain with a vengeance. I felt like there were monster hands inside my chest and rib cage, trying to rip through me to get out . My body was screaming. My head was screaming. I found myself once again in radiology.
My serratus which is basically next to my long thoracic nerve was torn . Next to it between the bolts that are anchored in to my bones was a rib fracture. I was told my ribs my fracture under pressure and movement.. but never did I guess what that pain would be like.
I felt defeated. I was back to square one. Immobile . Worse than before. I felt cold . Depression and anger started knocking at the door. I thought about answering the door..then Angels starter showing up non stop. Non stop I tell you. I was comforted and wrapped up by my incredible loved ones, some who I haven't even been able to see in almost a year. How good is God? He truly takes care of us if we let him. Saturday another rib fractured. This time i about gave in to my demons. I cannot comprehend or explain the pain of trying to breathe while your rib is cracking. How long was it going to last? How long would it take? I had a house full of sweet friends during this time.. I praise God for that . I would not have got through the pain without their support.
I now have a nerve block that I am waiting on patiently to set in. I've been getting in home PT from the best PT around, and this week will start PT IN clinic. I'm anxious and ready . I know it will be painful.. But it's another step towards getting stronger.
This week I am focusing on my blessings. I have so many. This week I am going to take a few baby steps.. We will see what happens. I have to learn to live in this new shell of a body that I now will have for 2-4 years. Time to get this shell shined up no matter what. NO excuses!
A dear friend told me this week" you need to look BACK. Look how far you have come" She's right. Sometimes it IS good to look back .
Vini Vidi..can't say Vici yet. But looking at this picture reminds me I've come a little ways..
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