Breaking to Restore

This picture is actually what my CT scans of my chest look like (: 

“Look at me…you better come out of that room alive. Do you hear me? You better fight with all you have. I need you. I need you here. You better come out of there Kayla”. 

That was the last thing my husband Dee said to me one month ago today. One month ago i lay on a operating table for the third time in the last 18 months , and started counting backwards as the anesthesia crept in to my lungs. As my eyes closed I prayed . If God was taking me this time I felt at peace . Everything was in order in my life and in my heart. I couldn't stop what was going to happen if I tried. As I counted those few seconds I felt every single bit of my body tense. was this it? Was this the last five seconds of my life? Man. That will do something to you. Especially if you wake up(: 

As I lay here in bed I look down at my scars I am in awe that its been 30 days. 30 days of living but feeling like Im dying. 30 days that a new life was given to me. My scar is a long story...I trace it with my fingers and cannot believe that it's over . I press my fingers to my chest lightly . I can feel cartilage and bone growing . Holy cow. I've never felt this in the center of my chest. I can feel it even easier now considering my chest has been cleaned out and gutted . Hmm, yes I am not ready to talk about that just yet. 

 I can feel the bars as I breathe... But this time they are not torturing me. They are small, softer , and meant for my body. The ravich procedure is invasive and dangerous, but as I look at my scars, my 4 holes in my stomach that have drains coming out of them and my hole in my side from my chest tube , I am in awe of my body and what it has lasted through. I feel like my body is separate from me. It has its own mind and strength . 

I cannot believe how quickly a month can go by. No wonder life goes by with the snap of a finger. No wonder we cant understand how our kids are growing up right in front of our eyes.  Life truly just slips by, unnoticed until you go to sleep for a month like I just did and have done three times now and BOOM. You have missed days, days you will never get back. Everything seems different. My kids seem taller. Yes they definitely grew. My husband got a hair cut and this time I noticed. He is looking fine!  Prince died. What? RIP prince, you were an amazing artist.  My Rose bush bloomed. I thought I had killed it.  My German Shephard puppy is massive and looks like he could eat you, and my Mr. Louie is plump now from Nonna spoiling him. Ah Mr. Louie. You know I bought Louie during my first surgery recovery. I was pumped full of morphine and I decided to buy a $2,000 puppy and have him flown to Memphis.  Im still not sure who in their right mind handed over my visa, but I am glad they did. Louie does not leave my side. He never has. I don’t think he ever will.

Just like that, Summer is here. My kids have a few days left then its on to a magical summer of running through the neighborhood with no schedules, eating popsicles for breakfast, and not caring if my kids bathe before bed if they swam that day. I start thinking of all the fun we will have, all the adventure. Then I break down in tears. 

 I’ve been in a bed for 30 days, and I still have so far to go. What’s a Mother supposed to do when her two options are either stay this way comfortably, or get ahead even though its going to hurt like hell? My only real option seems to get ahead and let it hurt like hell. I was thinking of that Nyquil commercial that plays. It says “ Moms don’t get sick days”. Isn’t that the truth? So, you put your big girl panties on and you deal with it. 

That’s when you really have to start going to those places in your head that are sacred. The places no one has ever been to. The place that makes people able to with stand certain trails. I think again about “Unbroken” and how he lived in a 5 ft by 3 ft cell for so long. How he was only fed a few grains of rice a day. He had two options, but in his mind only one made sense. So he went to that place in his head. The place where you don’t feel. The place where you can get yourself to believe anything you want to believe. It’s a magical place, and if you are there with good intentions, it can save your life. 

The day after my dear Mother and siblings left after being here 5 weeks , I was distraught. They had fed me, bathed me, and catered to my every need. They had taken care of my family.  They had kept me medicated all day and through the night without me having to think about it. I could just lay in my bed and feel broken. When they left I went to the special place in my head. I had to go there…I had to get ready for a new battle. Me against my body.

My husband and kids are the people who make me want to get up every day. They are worth getting out of bed in the morning no matter how much my body is throbbing. Oh to see the looks on my kids faces when I get up for them.  It makes the pain seem not so bad.  As a Mother, so much of the time I feel unnoticed. I sit and think sometimes that the family wouldn’t even notice if I was there. But after a experience like this, I see my value. I see where I am needed desperately…and it feels so good. I know so many Mother’s feel that way. Please remember…YOU ARE SO NEEDED, WANTED, AND CHERISHED. I know the daily ground hog day grind can make you crazy…but cherish it. You are so important. No one can do it like you. 

Im being asked how I am doing/feeling every day all day. I am so blessed to have so many people love and care about me. To answer the question, I feel like crying 80% of the time. I am exhausted by fighting my body. But that 20% of relief I find keeps me going.  Ive learned suffering can be a beautiful thing. I can’t count how many times people have told me” you don’t deserve to go through all this suffering. You are too good of a person”. I understand where some people are coming from, but let me tell you something about suffering. Suffering is a gift. Because of suffering I am now able to see others suffering. I understand it and see it in a way I never thought was possible. It has shown me what true faith is. It has shown me that while God may put you on a path that has suffering, he will also give you all you need to walk that path. 

No this trial was not in my plans. Having my bones broken, pulled and tortured was not in my plans. Lying in bed week after week was never in my thoughts. Going through two previous surgeries and them failing was the last thing I thought would happen.  I never thought I would be 100 lbs and hesitant to even undress in front of my husband out of pure embarrassment of how my chest looks now.  I used to make a living from having " the perfect body ". Now I can barely recognize myself in the mirror . Definitely humbles you. Speaking of that, I’ve got a blog entry coming your way on how we see ourselves. It’s a gem ha! Anyway…Yeah none of this was in my plan. But you see, once again that is why suffering is a gift. Suffering makes you realize you must not only rely on God completely, but that his plan is going to unfold whether you like it or not. And so you have to be prepared. You have to rely 100% on him. You have to ask him to ready you for what he has in store for you. God is not punishing me…he has given me a gift. He truly has. My life is going to be rich because of my suffering. The path I will walk is going to be so different because of my suffering.   Suffering ends. It does. It doesn’t last forever. At some point it ends. I’ve learned suffering can be a beautiful thing.

No it is not easy. Yes I have had my days. I have yelled (Hissed I would say considering I can’t yell right now) every curse word there is. I have thrown medications against the wall out of pure frustration because well, if I’m taking Oxycontin I want it to damn work. I have been mean to my husband because he can’t feel my pain or read my mind or because he doesn’t think like a woman. I’ve woken up night after night wet with cold sweats and literally just sobbed every time I wake up like that because I’m cold, tired, and who wants to wake up their husband to change your clothes in the middle of the night, especially when you are embarrassed of how you look at the moment? Yes, the emotional wounds are sometimes even more difficult to get over. But we get over them. I AM going to get over them. I will be whole again. Join me in my journey if you care to(: 

If you can get anything out of this blog entry I want it to be this. Suffering is a gift. Trials are gifts. You are stronger from suffering. Suffering ends. Learn from it. Embrace it. Be a gift to someone else who is suffering. Allow suffering to teach you. Do not waste suffering…it would be a pity to do so. 

 

You'll get through this ...

Does this struggle serve a purpose? Can I please get up off the ground and stay off the ground? Its freezing out here as I walk hand in hand with my husband. The walk up to Le Bonheur Children’s hospital is like, a mile. At least it feels like it when your breathing is restricted and you have a mess of a chest. Nothing like a 6 AM stroll with your husband in 20 degree weather on a Friday morning. As we neared the hospital my hands got clammy and I felt like I was going to throw up. Holy cow. Dee (my husband) is a Physician and very serious and  quiet in times of stress or anxiety. Say something husband. One of my best friends Marianne kept telling me last year as we neared the hospital that we were going to Cabo. She turned on some music and I thought ok we are going to Cabo. My dear sweet quiet husband. He did hold my hand tightly, and that is probably what I needed most. 

I just want to get off the ground. Off the ground. That was the first thing I thought of when 2 ½ weeks ago I kissed my husband goodbye as I was rolled away down the hall with my surgical team. At least they let me pick out a stuffed animal and so far my band aids that hold my IV’s are all mickey mouse and dinosaurs.  I soon felt the all too familiar coldness of the OR, and the buzz of 10 margaritas by the time I got there.  Let me tell you what. I love margaritas. I’ve never been able to have more than 4 without feeling it the next day. So for one split second I’m going to count another blessing. The blessings of whatever the IV drug is that makes you feel like you have had 10 margaritas in 1 minute, with no hang over. Cheers to that. 

When I woke 6 hours later in recovery, everything was all too familiar. Pain. Crying. Nurses. Boy, I sure could use some more of those margaritas. Ok, back to the not so fun stuff. 

 

So yeah…I guess in a way I’m starting over.  “ You have been through the worse already Kayla” my surgeon said ( who by the way might as well be my guardian angel) and I don’t disagree with him. Having my chest potentially cracked in half and my bones resected doesn’t sound THAT bad I guess I laughed to myself. 

The season in which you find yourself may puzzle you, but it does not bewilder God. God will use your mess for good. That’s at least what I read in a book that my dear friend Molly Shumate gave me. When she gave me the book ( along with a bottle of wine that I dreamt about that night)  I opened it and there the words were loud and clear. I smiled amidst the pain, knowing that all along this mess, this pain, this screeching halt in our lives has been for good. 

Friday a few of my girlfriends kidnapped me and took me to one of my favorite restaurants. The place was slammed, and there was only one seat at the bar. My girlfriends sat me down and we waited for a round of delicious margaritas. Once again, oh how I love margaritas. As I sat down the young lady next to me said “ hi, I am not trying to creep you out, but is your name Michaela?” This has happened at least once a week since my story was published, but this setting was different. I replied “yes, guilty”. This young lady was put in my path Friday night for a reason. She was put there to remind me of my purpose right now. She went on to tell me how life changing my story is, and how she is blown away by how I am able to be so raw and vulnerable.  A few days later her friend she was sitting next to emailed me as well, telling me she had read my story and what it did for her.  The reason I am telling this story is because we so quickly become selfish. We so quickly forget that so much of the time, OUR MESS CAN BE FOR THE GOOD, AND THAT OUR STRUGGLE CAN SERVE A PURPOSE. I have realized how much people actually watch you and listen to you. That what you do and say can truly push someone to keep fighting, or to give up. At least that’s what I thought when I read a email from someone telling me they had thought about ending their life, but found new hope and faith in my story. We are such powerful humans, and we are equipped with so much fight in us. Sometimes we don’t know it until we have two options. To fight or to stop. For me, If I had stopped fighting in that CVICU room last year on day 2, I would not be here. For me, 2 ½ weeks ago I had two options once again, barely a year later. Fight or stop.

Let’s rewind. Let’s go back to days when I did stop fighting. The days I decided I was done. That the pain was too much and I was dying anyway it felt like, so just come on and end it angel of death. Let’s go back to the days following, when I could not feed myself, lift a fork to my mouth. Let’s go back to me not being able to dress myself. Let’s go back to the days when I looked like a 10 year old little girl because I was so thin. Let’s go back to my ass wipe club. Man those girls have been busy this year with me. Girls. Wow. You guys have some unconditional love . I would give a kidney for y'all. Anything actually . 

Let’s go back to three weeks ago when scans showed that my Nuss bars had basically broken my upper body. I was in so much pain I couldn't think straight .  The bars has eroded through my ribs on the right, and fractured several places down my left. Some of the breaks were old. We realized within hours of the bars being put in, my ribs started fracturing slowly. No wonder I almost didn't win this fight . My surgeon said when he opened me up his heart broke seeing the mess inside and the pain I must have had the last 13 months. For a little bit I felt defeated, I felt angry, I felt exhausted, and I felt helpless. I felt like screaming and crying all at the same time when I was told the bars needed another year, but that they had to come out now. All that for nothing? Mentally I was exhausted. I could not even think of going through another surgery . 24/7 torture for nothing the last 13 months? Losing months and months of intimate time with my little girl, with my husband and step kids? I have not been able to sit in our living room for a 13 months. Couches were too painful. My bars would stick out and dig in to the furniture I would sit against or on. I have not sat with my husband and watched a movie or show on the couch in 13 months with him. If we watched anything I had to be in bed. 13 months of not getting to act like a kid with my kids, not being able to run with Sophia on piggy back? Not being able to do simple things that you take for granted like being able to walk in to a pool and it not make you feel like your chest is going to pop from the pressure? As I sat feeling so helpless, I remembered something. Difficult times demand decisions of faith. I had to remember that this was in God’s plan. That this was for the good. I also had to remember the person I was the first time I was wheeled in to that operating room the first time to have the bars put in. That girl never came out of that OR. While the new girl who came out of that OR wasn’t at all what you would call beautiful, strong, or courageous, she was something that seems to be pretty rare now days. She was broken for ALL to see. She was delicate. She was vulnerable. She was 100% powerless. From a fitness cover girl, to barely 90 lbs with hair falling out, she had finally been broken. I truly think that until something breaks you, there is a part of you that is so undiscovered, arguably the strongest, most incredible parts about you.  There is a fight in me now that I wish I had possessed so long ago. There is a light in me that NO ONE can dim, because it is God’s light. I find joy now in the smallest things. Every day I wake I am just so happy to be here. I once shouldered lots of un-forgiveness.  I held people in my heart that I couldn’t let go because they had not said they were sorry yet. I let them go, lovingly. That allowed more love to come in to my heart. How amazing that felt.  If today’s post can urge you to do one thing, this is what I would like for you to do. FORGIVE someone who has hurt you. Release them. Can you feel it? How good does that feel. Sit for a moment with your eyes closed and just feel it. Feel that power? That peace? I learned what true power is. Man, once you learn what true power is you will hold on to it so tightly. 

Last but not least, I have stopped controlling my life.  That’s easier said than done, especially when that is a survival tool. But, the peace you find with letting go and letting God is so worth it. I don’t have an easy solution or a magic wand. There are days that I have had to pull up this blog and remind myself of my words, of fight I must not give up. I still have to pick up that skirt on my closet floor that I threw there Sunday out of anger because it fell off me when I tried it on. Those precious pounds took forever to gain back. I still need to get over the fact that I have 2 more incisions/scars now. Eh never mind I take that back I’m over it, I should punch myself in the face for caring about that.  I have found something- Someone far better. He is in every crisis. He is in all days. 

 

Next week I have my CT scans. Is my heart beating faster just saying that? Yes. Did I stay up staring at the ceiling last night until 1 Am because I was freaking out feeling the sink hole that seems to be developing again in my chest? Yes. Am I relishing the fact that I was laying DOWN though? Yes. It may only last a few months. I have a 50/50 chance of having to have another intense operation in the next few months.  But for now, I can enjoy sitting on furniture without feeling like an alien off of star wars. I don’t cry all day. I don’t get pain headaches. I can walk up the stairs without getting light headed. I can LAY DOWN on my SIDE for a few minutes at night. I am not falling asleep every night at 7 due to pain and exhaustion. I am able to sit on the ground and play with the kids. 2 ½ weeks post op and I am off all pain meds at the moment ( thank God for wine). Once again , I am speechless when it comes to the people and shooter system that is around me . I cannot name you all. But you all are precious to me . You all have breathed life in to me . I am forever grateful and in awe of your love . 

1 year today!!!!

As I went to sleep last night , I wrapped my arms around my little girl , as I did one year ago on December 30th.  I had so  many emotions laying there with her last night.

This morning as opened my eyes, they filled with tears. Soon my chest was heaving from a full blown melt down. My husband walked over to me and just held me. His arms said " you're half way. You survived . I know you're tired but you did it". 

I thought about how my LAST memory of 2014 is of me staring at a room full of nurses, reps, and my team. I remember one of my surgeons saying " are you ready? I said " hit me". Lights dimmed and I slipped in to nothingness. 

My FIRST memory of 2015 is thinking I was in hell. That someone had put me in someone else's body. That someone had sawed my bones and glued them back together .  I remember someone screaming so loud , sounding like they were being tortured. Will someone just knock them out already? I felt fire go in to my veins, and everything went black. The screaming stopped . Thank God . 

I've thought and thought about what it would feel like to wake up today. What emotions would I have? 

The first emotion that comes to me is that of complete emotional exhaustion. The second is a feeling of awe. The third is total anxiety. I'm only down one year ? I feel like this day a year ago happened 5 years ago... I can't even seem to remember not being in pain or being normal. 

I'm in awe because I did not think I would get here . After I remember days in the hospital that I was hoping I would just die . Anything would be better than the pain that was wreaking havoc on my body. Two days after my operation I took a turn for the worse . My support system was told if I did not start fighting back, I would be put on a ventilator and potentially har the hardware taken out then put back in once I was strong enough. About 5 priest came throughout the next few hours, gave me last rights and my cvicu unit was closed down to anyone but my team and a few family members . 

It's amazing how your mind can control your body.  The next day I took another turn and started breathing on my own enough to where I did not need to be put on a ventilator. I will never know what my thoughts were.. but amidst so many people praying and the human will, I talked my body in to fighting . The two weeks in CVICU were just the start and a year of fights with myself . 

I have learned this. When your body or mind tells you that it cannot go any longer, there is a monster force inside of us all that we don't even know is there until we are truly at the end . It's vicious, powerful, and resilient all at the same time. It's more powerful than your body and your emotions. After reading "Unbroken" and many other books about suffering , my thoughts on this monster force are validated. 

I've been asked many times in the last few weeks to update on how life is NOW. 

Life is 100% different now. There and beautiful new parts to my life as well as the ugly battle that I still fight through. 

I think I thought a year later life would be a lot easier on my body, but that was a silly idea. Ironically, the left side of my chest started its shift last week and finally popped through late Saturday night. Now begins the left side shift of bones . The right side took a year . Knowing all of that gets me very emotional , and instantly exhausted . But at least now I know I will and can do it. I know that I can have my pity parties and don't have to put on a brave face 100% of the time . I know that I can get angry . I know that it's ok to be weak. I know it's ok to feel depressed sometimes , but that no matter what I'm doing this. I have made it this far. I'm still alive . 

I have gained back my 30 lbs lost. While the muscle to fat ratio is MUCH different this time at least I no longer look like skeletor. My hair is growing back in. I still sleep sitting up, but at least now I sleep most of the time. I still have days on bed rest, but then I bounce back and get to do stuff like go to the zoo, and walk for longer than 10 minutes . I can workout . Kind of . I can lift pots in the kitchen now when I cook. I can get out of my clothing without getting stuck because I can't lift my arms . I danced at raidords for my birthday( even though I had bed rest for three days after !!) . I have a little bit of normal back. I'm that's enough for me. 

What made this years battle worth it all? I got to walk down the isle to my love in July. I remember as I walked through the church my dress was killing my sides , and I could feel a anchor popping out of my dress on the side . I got angry for a second that my pain was rising from being up doing things all day. But then I saw my to be husband and family at the end of the isle, and everything went away. I look at my husband , my little girl and step son and step daughter and I cannot believe they are mine . I cannot believe how many blessings came from this year . Hell and Heaven collided . 

I will never be able to put in to words how grateful I am for my support system. I truly would not be here if it wasn't for the people in my life to love and care for me. From my incredible surgeons and their teams to my loved ones . My family, wow my family. My Framily. My friends . I am honored to be loved and cared for by you. From the countless hours of staying up with me while i cried , to spoon feeding me, to just laying holding my hand . For taking care of Sophia, loving her and supporting her . For taking me out for a ride just so I could have a change of scenery. For kidnapping me against better judgment and taking me to eat a burger at houstons . Tip- if you get brought out to eat looking like your dying and hooked to a pain pump, people will try to buy you everything and anything 😂.

For Bathing me, brushing my hair, staying in with me on a Saturday night, praying with me, cleaning for me, cooking for me, for seriously running my life for me for several months . My PT who came to me daily at home, sometimes close to midnight  just so I could have a hour of relief. To my ass wipe club. You guys are solid . You can now handle anything 😂. 

Life hits hard as hell. But you can hit harder . Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget the power of prayer . It moves mountains . The saddest thing in the world to me is someone who doesn't believe in the power of prayer . 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart once again to each and every one of you who have been there for me. I love you all so very much. You helped save a life this year . 

I have no idea how it's been a year . Cheers to another year of fighting. Cheers to having the chance to fight! 

#breakingdownthebars 

#bobandbarb 

#down12months 

#Godisgood 

December 30th, 2015. Remembering the months I was unable to do this . 

10 months with Bob and Barb today.

All I wanted for Christmas was my bars to come out . For this nightmare to be finished . To not be in pain 34/7. To be able to sleep. To be normal again and not sick. To pick up my little girl again. To be able to squeeze the people I love when I hug them. Last Friday was devastating when I was told my chest needed another year and a half . At the same time it was also decided that i would need to go down to work part time . I had been planning and planning . I was counting down and had so much planned for when my bars would come out . Let me tell you something. you already know. We are not in control! I have let so many weeks slip by not going to the gym because pain, or not doing certain things because it hurts too much . I kept thinking" when my bars come out I will do that ". Guess what? I was a idiot . How do I know I even have a year and a half ? Or even tomorrow? There is a difference between not doing something because it is going to cause damage, and not doing something because it simply hurts like hell. I have both . I have been depressed for about a week then woke up today realizing I needed to wake up and once again be thankful that I'm her. That I can still do many things . That even if I can't pick up my little girl or squeeze the people I love I can still hold her on my lap. I can still hug. I can still go to the gym on my good days instead of being in fear of how it will make me feel that night she the next day. I realized I have to start living like I'm dying! No excuses . I woke up and forced myself to the gym. Yes im swollen. I didn't sleep. My bars are sticking out my sides as you can see. Pain pain pain is all I heard when i woke up. Oh well. I'm going to have pain for a long time . I'm going to be in pain anyway. Let's go I said to myself . My doctor has put me on a strong new medication that will help with my inflammation. Use it Kayla . Use your tools. Use your head .. Listen to your body .Give yourself a little push Life is too short. Enjoy it! Love God hard. Fall deeply in love . Kiss. Kiss a lot . Hug a lot . Drink good wine . Eat good food . See the places you want to see .Make memories with the people you love . Don't wait! Let me tell you something you already know . My favorite saying -" The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done ". 

Cheers to making it 10 months. I didn't think I could do it. I don't know how I am so blessed to have the people I have in my life . I am simply the luckiest girl in the world . #breakingdownthebars 

My scars are my battle wounds

My story that a incredibly talented woman published . My hopes is that my being vulnerable and raw can bring others to do the same. We are all fighting a battle. If only everyone new that, couldn't we help each other so much more ? 

http://www.boasthouse.com

Keep looking backwards-week 17

As I sit here finishing a interview on my recovery and what's life like now with a titanium chest, I am in awe. I never saw myself in CVICU.. Hell I didn't look in the mirror for weeks. I tell people all the time that I'm discouraged by my pain and discomfort of the bars sticking out and that I pay dearly for days I am active... Loved ones who have been by my side always tell me that I need to keep looking back at how far I've come. this is the first time I have ever seen this video. Now I see how far I've come. This was the first time I got to see Sophia, day 7. I still couldn't talk well and I don't remember this but my whole mind set changed when I saw her, clearly  . She was counting on me. I had to do this! Don't ever ever give up! If you don't want to do it for yourself do it for your loved ones. . As I sit here finishing a interview on my recovery and what's life like now with a titanium chest, I am in awe. I never saw myself in CVICU.. Hell I didn't look in the mirror for weeks. I tell people all the time that I'm discouraged by my pain and discomfort of the bars sticking out and that I pay dearly for days I am active... Loved ones who have been by my side always tell me that I need to keep looking back at how far I've come. this is the first time I have ever seen this video. Now I see how far I've come. This was the first time I got to see Sophia, day 7. I still couldn't talk well but my whole mind set changed when I saw her . She was counting on me. I had to do this! I love you Sophia! This is what I say out loud when I'm struggling -" let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to you knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. No one is going to hit as hard as life. It ain’t about how hard you hit...it’s about It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. You have go to be willing to take the hits” #bionicwoman #week 17 #nuss #countingmyblessings #beagladiator #nevergiveup #nopainnogain 
#blogger #breakingdownthebarsblog breakingdownthebars #bionicwoman #week 17 #nuss #countingmyblessings #beagladiator #nevergiveup #nopainnogain

It IS what it IS

" is what it is"  was the first thing that came to mind this morning.

Today marks 14 weeks post op. HOW? How am I at weeks? 14 weeks ago I was in a drugged coma . Today I will be driving kids all over the place, grocery shopping , dr visit , and grizzlie game! THis picture is 8 days post op.. I can't even believe this is me. 

 

I opened my eyes and looked around my bedroom. I sat up (Almost straight up, without having to hold on to anything ) and tears immediately followed. Tears of Thanksgiving. A simple sit up brought me to tears. Sitting up 3 weeks ago on my own made me feel like someone was slicing my chest open again. I smiled to myself as I looked around my room. I studied it for a moment. I now can count every single crack...every slab of wood on the floor...I know what time it is by the way the light comes in...without looking at the time. A few months in bed will do that to you.

I'm asked on a daily basis how I am feeling. Sometimes I struggle with that question. I don't want to sound like a baby. I don't want to complain. Everyone has their cross.  The answer is I am getting out of bed. I am able to dress myself. I am starting to be able to cook dinner. I can be up for almost a full day as long as I can be in bed the next day. I am getting out of bed...and to me that feel miraculous.

Some days are great. I get excited.  I get so excited that I forget that my energy level is that if a 80 year old. I hit walls fast. I get discouraged. One of the toughest things to get over is that I am not going to be " normal" for a long long time.  I have tried to figure out my limitations. There has been a lot of trial and error. From working, to being out with friends..I have had to pay for doing that several times. I know that I cannot open doors sometimes. I know that I still cannot let Sophia or John Rex lay back on my chest): I know that sitting in church is very painful because of the pews..at least I think its the pews. The devil is probably just trying to get me to stop going to church, LOL.

My pain is constant...but its more of a dull pain.  A pain that will hopefully subside once my bars settle in. I sometimes get in to bed and think, how did I do today? But then I smile..because now pain is just a part of me, and it is no longer controlling me.

I am learning what inflames my body. I am also learning that a simple sneeze makes me feel like I am being cut with shards of glass . I never knew a sneeze could be so torturous. I held one in for 10 weeks...and finally lost the battle a few weeks ago. I cried for hours haha. Its comical to me now.

Ive started a major detox process. The amount of meds my body has taken in is colossal. Sometimes when I sweat I start breaking out itching...because the meds are still coming out of my body. I decided that since I am not able to work full time right now, my other job would be to detox and get strong again. PT has been a full time job. Dr. visits and therapy take up a lot of time. I have started foot baths and infrared sauna sessions. The EB Pro foot bath is insane. The levels of heavy metal that have been coming out of me are insane and scary. I was exhausted the first day....then hours later started getting a surge of energy that I have not felt in probably a year. I now am going daily. The energy I get is out of this world..and my back pain has gone from a 7 down to a 4. Im even starting to sleep. My inflammation is down so much that I have been able to wear a sports bra for the first time since surgery. I don't have pockets of fluid now on the sides of my ribs.  At least not in the beginning of the day.

I've been living full days now for a month. Day 1 I cried and had a total meltdown. I called a few friends just so overwhelmed. Normal life isn't so normal when you have been living in a bed for months. Things as simple as getting mail, paying bills, and having to pack Sophia a lunch were overwhelming me. Everything had to be done for me for so long, and while I was so excited to be getting back to life, it has been very overwhelming. Today I am feeling blessed because I am not overwhelmed. In a month I have come a long way and I have to remember that.

I may not get to ride horses anymore..I may not be able to water ski or wakeboard this year...I may not be able to jump off cliffs at the lake like I love doing. I cannot wrestle with John Rex or Sophia anymore. I cannot do a lot of things. But I CAN drive..i can grocery shop alone finally..i can cook..i can do my hair ( cutting off 6 inches helped ) and I can stay up most of the day. For all of that, I AM BLESSED. I cannot forget how blessed I AM. 

My support system is still just so incredible . I am so thankful for you guys . Every single day I thank God for what you have done for me. You all keep me going. I love you so very much. 

Who knows what next month could bring...but I have learned one thing. LIVE every day to its fullest. Whatever full means to you.. LIVE IT. You never know when living full cant get grasped away from you. Be BLESSED!

Cheers BOB and BARB( my bars)